How To Be Swedish

First of all, is there a more accurate measuring stick of great writing than to use alliteration in the title? I didn’t think so. I’m often asked about the food in Sweden and, for the record, I think it’s pretty good. It’s not like Italy or somewhere that you would visit specifically for the cuisine experience, but I’m a meat and potatoes kind if guy, so I dig the food here, barring a few exceptions like the pizza.

One thing I’ve noticed is that they have some really delicious sauces. Like that brown sauce that is typically served along with lingon berries on the infamous potato and meatball dish. It’s like a gravy but it’s got that little special something about it and it’s fantastic. Or that bearnaise sauce they put on hamburgers in good restaurants, also top notch. I’m no chef so I’m not able to go into any specific descriptions on particular sauces and the spices or whatever that are in them, all I can say is that I’m very impressed with the variety of tasty sauces I’ve sampled here on a wide range of foods. Whether it be chicken, beef or fish dishes served with rice or potatoes or whatever, the sauces are always a little bit different and almost always very enjoyable. But that usually ends when it comes to pasta. The standard topping for spaghetti seems to be ketchup. I don’t understand how the Swedes can concoct the most delicious sauces for all these other meals, but then go totally white trash on their pasta. I’ve been told that ketchup is made from tomatoes, just like the sauces I would prefer on pasta, but I don’t see them drinking a glass of grape jelly with their meal, which would be a similar analogy. Anyways, kudos Sweden, to your many fine sauces, but I really think you can do better than Felix ketchup on your fettuccine.

I’ve heard this statement, or something along these lines one too many times from someone in Sweden: “I prefer ‘English english’ over ‘American english’ because it’s the real (or more pure) english”. What a stupid thing to say, but I hear it a lot. Briefly, here is why that asinine statement annoys me and makes the person who says it come across as a imbecile. It’s one of those statements that they heard someone else say, thought it sounded like a cool philosophy, and now like to spout it off to sound intelligent. But they are really not because they have not thought it through.

First of all, what exactly is English english? In what part of England do they speak the proper form of the language? Because the English you hear in one part of that country will be drastically different than in another part. Is the english they speak in London the real english, or is it more proper up in Manchester? Or out in the middle of wherever? I don’t know the country that well but I do know that there is a huge variety of english spoken in that one english speaking country. You can’t categorize English english as one all encompassing category because there is so much variation. I’ve listened to some people from the UK and I can’t even understand them. To say everyone there speaks with perfect grammar is ridiculous. There are people in North America who speak good English, and people who butcher the language. Same thing in England or any other English speaking country.

Secondly, English is your second language, so to talk down to someone who grew up speaking the language and has an college degree in the language, saying that I speak a lower form of the language is pretty arrogant. I realize that the Swedes are generally fairly proficient in English, but to try to give me a lesson in my own language and tell me that I speak a lower form of it is assuming a lot.

The fact is that there are multiple dialects of any language. Varying accents, slang, regional differences. Where do they speak proper Swedish? Because I have heard huge differences in how Swedish is spoken, but I’m not saying which one is the “real Swedish”. All languages are constantly evolving.

I’ve been noticing an odd trend here in Sweden lately regarding newspapers and their corresponding websites. You go to some of these sites and click on a headline, and then you’re told that you can’t read that article unless you sign up for a paid membership. And it’s not just some articles on the site, it’s all of them, rendering the website completely useless unless you pay membership to read the news. To be fair I shouldn’t call this a trend. I’ve just noticed it on for the small regional paper that I usually read. But when I asked them about it they said a lot of other newspapers are doing this.

I’ve never heard of this before and I think it sucks. Is this happening other places or just here? To me, that’s not the purpose of the paper’s website, and certainly not the way to monetize it. There’s not nearly as much information or articles on the website everyday as there is in the actual physical newspaper. But yet it costs just as much to subscribe to the site as it does to have the paper home delivered. I can’t imagine people paying for this but I guess some are if they are going to this model. It’s not going to be me though. I read newspaper sites from all over the world everyday and I don’t see Fox News, CNN, The Wall Street Journal, ESPN, or any of the other major news sources making you pay to read an article. I guess this tiny little newspaper thinks it’s going to be a global trend setter.

I get the reason why they want to do this, obviously newspaper distribution is down thanks to the internet but you can make a lot of money off a website without forcing people to pay just to read it’s content. A website should seek to get as much traffic as it can and then monetize it through advertising, building email lists to promote to, maybe membership fees for special content, there’s a hundred different ways. I think they are shooting themselves in the foot by doing this as they have to be losing a lot of traffic which means the amount they can charge for advertising goes down.

But then again I could be wrong. Maybe this is a sign of the times and all newspapers will end up doing this. But I doubt it. Are any of you noticing this happening in other places? To me this is going too far, like paying a tax just to have a TV in your home, and I’ll stick to the 99.9% of online news sources that are free.

Skatteverket. Sweden’s version of the IRS but way less efficient. This year I filed taxes in two countries, the US and Sweden. Here’s how it went with the IRS: I went online, filled in my tax information, filled in my bank information, hit send. 6 days later my state return was in my bank account, less than 3 weeks later my federal. Great job IRS, I appreciate it.

Here’s how it went, I mean it’s going with Skatteverket: I had to go down to my local bank to file some piece of paper with them that they in turn could file with Skatteverket so that Skatteverket could be authorized to send my money to my bank account. Would’ve thought maybe I could do that online but I guess not. They had a big poster in the bank about how if you did this and filed before a certain date that you would get your tax return back before midsummer so you would have extra money to spend on pickled herring, schnapps and maybe if you had 200 crowns over, a litre of gas. They even had little brochures that you could take home with you, and stick on your fridge to remind you how generous they are and that you’ll be so happy dancing around the midsummer tree with all that extra money in your pocket. I happily took a brochure since my tax dollars were so wisely spent on them.By the way, I did manage to get to the bank during the 3 hours they are open a day, but I’ll save that story for another time.

Fast forward to the day before everything shut down for 5 days for midsummer. I get up for breakfast and as I am slicing a little sliver of cucumber to put on my cheese sandwich, I see the Skatteverket brochure on my fridge. Sweet, thought I. I should double check that my crowns are in my account and then maybe withdraw 100 so I can purchase some ketchup to put on my spaghetti! But alas, no money from the folks at Skatteverket.

Long story short, midsummer was almost 2 weeks ago and no tax return as promised. Hey Skatteverket, where’s my money? You know darn well that if I didn’t pay my tv tax you’d have one of your buddies over at Radiotjänst beating down my door so they could keep funding the useless garbage they fill the airwaves at on SVT1. If anyone reading this works at that inefficient agency, throw a comment on here and let me know when to expect MY money. I’ve already killed 3 cell phone batteries waiting on hold. Maybe next year, scrap the posters proclaiming that we’ll get our tax return by midsummer and use that money to hire a couple more monkeys to process straight forward tax claims.

The Swedes are not real big on greeting, saying hello to,  or even acknowledging the existence of anybody they do not know anywhere in public. Walking past someone always feels awkward because you just get this feeling that briefly coming into the presence of someone they are not familiar with is a terribly uncomfortable experience for them that they cannot wait to have over. The standard routine when passing someone in public is to nervously put your head down and just plow forward until you pass them. I don’t know why you can’t make eye contact, smile, nod or even actually say hello to someone you don’t know, but it never happens. Isn’t it more awkward to not greet the other person and walk past in silence than it is to say hi? I don’t mean that you need to greet every person you pass as you walk down a busy street, but when you are the only two people in the vicinity it feels kind of weird to just ignore each other. I often go for walks in a nearby park along trails through the woods. I’ll pass other walkers and we’re the only people around but they’ll still bury their heads and pretend like they don’t see me. Sometimes I’ll say hello and they get this shocked look on their face and you can almost hear them thinking “Who the hell was that guy and why would he say hello to me?” Because we are two human beings that crossed paths in the woods so to me it seems only fitting to acknowledge your presence. Isn’t that just a normal and nice thing to do? I don’t know, it just seems strange to nervously ignore everyone you pass. I don’t know what the psychological or sociological explanation is for the Swedish cold shoulder syndrome but it’s a downer and from now I’m saying hi to people I walk past, even if it scares them.

If you are, or planning to live in Sweden (or anywhere else in Europe for that matter) you simply have to get a cable TV package that includes Eurosport. Why? Because where else are you going to get your snooker fix? That’s right, for all the biggest tournaments and heart pounding snooker action from around the world, Eurosport has you covered. And if that isn’t enough to sway you away from Swedish Idol, well then hang on because Eurosport has much more to offer. Not to take anything away from ESPN, TSN and the like, they are okay if you are into hockey, baseball, football and stuff like that. But how many of you can relate to this scenario? You’re sitting on you’re sofa watching Sportscenter or something dumb like the World Series, the Stanley Cup Finals or the Superbowl, and you get annoyed and start flipping through the channels looking for some cricket highlights or live coverage of the semi-finals of some ping pong tournament in Bulgaria? Happens all the time right? Well then I’m telling you, Eurosport is the ticket. Call your cable provider and demand it. At the risk of making you jealous, allow me to list off some other sports I get to watch thank to Eurosport. Bicycle racing – Did you know there were other races besides the Tour de France? I didn’t either but now I can see them all! Motorbike racing – Equally exciting as bicycle racing but no steroids. Darts. Cross country skiing. Soccer – And not just Champions or Premier League either. I’m talking Womens Under 17 World championships here. That’s a little taste of their awesome programming, but my two personal favorites are the Summer Ski Jumping and the Summer Biathalon ( you know, skiing and shooting a gun.) I always thought that summer was too long because I couldn’t wait for Ski Jumping season to begin again. Well now I don’t have to because I can turn on Eurosport and watch summer ski jumping. It’s the same as the winter version but instead of snow they ski down what I’m guessing is a plastic ramp and land on what looks like fake grass. Excitement matched only by summer biathalon in which they use roller blade skis. What do you say about that ESPN?

I do my fair share of complaining about ridiculous taxes that we’re forced to pay here in Sweden, and I will most likely continue to do that. So it seems only fair that I tip my hat to a nice benefit that I receive from the system as well. My “Sambo” had to go in to the hospital for surgery and for a few reasons it made life a whole lot easier if I could stay in the hospital with her. This was no problem whatsoever. For 80 crowns per day (a little over 10 bucks) I got my own bed in the same room and 3 meals a day; plus fika, coffee and drinks anytime I wanted. I don’t have too much hospital experience in North America, but I highly doubt I could do that there. We also had TV, internet connection and free newspapers. It was kind of like staying in a crappy hotel for dirt cheap, in fact probably cheaper than living at home.

If you like a sports team (let’s take hockey for example) a normal person will go to the games, read about the team in the paper, maybe even buy a jersey or scarf. Yes, I said scarf. However, if you REALLY like the team and you have nothing else of importance going on in your life, you can be a part of your favorite teams “official” supporters group. Every team will have one whether it’s an elite series team or the fourth or fifth division down. You can be a part of this elite level of hockey fan club and dedicate your life to cheering on your favorite team. The groups will usually have their own names that may or may not have anything to do with the teams name, they might have their own website, they’ll have their own designated section of the rink where they all stand together, and they seem to have some sort of a hierarchy going on. The head cheerleader will usually stand towards the front beside the guy banging the drum and face the rest of the supporters and lead them in cheers and songs much like a choir director. Other members will be in charge of flag waving or perhaps holding up scarves with their teams name written on them. The director will start a chant or a song and everyone will sing and clap along until it mercifully wears out, after which they’ll hopefully be quiet for a couple of minutes before they start again. It’s genius how they come up with the songs. Here’s the formula: Take a well known tune (When The Saints Come Marching In, for example) then take the name of the town where the team is from, or the teams abbreviation, and those are your lyrics. Just repeat them for the entire song. These super fans will often take the show on the road too and bus it to away games. The numbers are a little lower on the road which could mean that some of the turbo fans actually have jobs, however I can’t say for sure.

I’ve noticed that people in Sweden get very nervous about thunder. I’ve never really considered thunder in and of itself to be any sort of a threat to safety, but here a little rumbling in the distance means you should take immediate cover and unplug all electronic devices. Sweden doesn’t experience much in the way of dangerous weather like tornados and hurricanes and even what could be classified a ”thunderstorm” are very rare, I read somewhere that there’s an average of 4 a year here. That’s a slow weekend in the midwest. So a little bit of thunder and, God help us, a couple flashes of lightning, and you’ll see some borderline panic happening. I was walking home the other day when I heard the slightest roll of thunder from off in the horizon. Suddenly it was like a scene from some childrens book I remember reading where there’s a huge giant approaching the village and the ground is shaking and all the people are screaming and scrambling for safety. I’ve always enjoyed thunderstorms. I say just  get off the aluminum extension ladder and maybe put the 9 iron away and head for the clubhouse but a little thunder isn’t going to hurt you. Once trees start coming down or your car gets tossed onto your neighbours house you can start to worry.

Hello and welcome to our new home. This site used to be How To Be Swedish at blogspot but it’s been a little while since we posted anything. We found ourselves a little too busy with traveling, hopelessly looking for employment as an immigrant in the current Swedish job market, having babies, and whatnot. But our love-hate relationship with Sweden has continued to flourish so we figured we’d get back online and post our observations. And, as you can see, we built a sweet new site. So stop by now and then to continue your education on modern day Sweden and look for new features coming soon. Skål.

Originally published December 10, 2009

For some reason people here seem to be obliged to tell you that Sweden is nicer in the summer. It’s rare that a day will go by when somebody won’t make this revelation to me. Like they are opening my eyes to some profound truth. We’re walking along in the drizzly rain, it’s 3 degrees celsius, haven’t seen the sun in 3 weeks and they say ”Yeah, Sweden is much nicer in the summer”. Thank you Captain Obvious! I never would have imagined that a country that lies north of the 56th parallel, and partially within the Arctic Circle, would experience a more favourable climate in the summer. Isn’t the majority of the world nicer in the summertime? They tell me this knowing that I come from Canada. In the area I come from at the time of print it is -40 degrees celsius, so I am somewhat familiar with the whole deal of having not quite as beautiful weather during the winter months. This isn’t a phenomenon strictly related to Sweden. The Swedes are almost apologetic about the weather. ”You really should come here in the summer, it’s a lot nicer then. This is a summer town”. Every town here is a ”summer town”. I have also been made aware the fact that here in Sweden, in the winter, the length of time during the day in which the sun shines is shorter than in the summer. In fact, in the northern part of Sweden, there can be hardly any daylight in the winter, whereas in the height of summer it doesn’t get dark. This helpful information for those of us that missed that day of 5th grade science. We all get it. It’s nicer in the summer. This is normal.